Huevos...cajones...tea bags. They're called BALLS and my god, WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?!!
Nobody seems to have them anymore. There once was a time when everywhere you looked, someone was swinging a sack around - George S. Patton (BALLS!), John Wayne (BALLS!), Ronald Reagan (BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!). Now every time I turn around I hear about another guy getting a pedicure! This country is turning into a big nation of pansies and I'm damn sick of it. Now, instead of killing our enemies, we give them rights under the constitution and let them read their Korans and grow fat off of Doritos in cells on a beautiful tropical island. Instead of shaking them up for information, we splash some water on their faces and ask nicely while the eunuchs on Capitol Hill run around shouting "Torture! Torture!" in effeminate voices. Instead of starting up some big manly drilling machines on some big manly oil rigs, our men would rather prance around in a meadow wearing daisy chains and dreaming of a future in which we all fly colorful hot air balloons to work.
Nobody seems to have them anymore. There once was a time when everywhere you looked, someone was swinging a sack around - George S. Patton (BALLS!), John Wayne (BALLS!), Ronald Reagan (BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!). Now every time I turn around I hear about another guy getting a pedicure! This country is turning into a big nation of pansies and I'm damn sick of it. Now, instead of killing our enemies, we give them rights under the constitution and let them read their Korans and grow fat off of Doritos in cells on a beautiful tropical island. Instead of shaking them up for information, we splash some water on their faces and ask nicely while the eunuchs on Capitol Hill run around shouting "Torture! Torture!" in effeminate voices. Instead of starting up some big manly drilling machines on some big manly oil rigs, our men would rather prance around in a meadow wearing daisy chains and dreaming of a future in which we all fly colorful hot air balloons to work.
Lady Liberty might be a gal but she's had some huge balls in the past and I'm sure they're still somewhere under that green robe. How about we polish them off and start putting them to good use?
1) First things first. Let's stop apologizing and being ashamed for being the #1 World Superpower. We earned that distinction through courage and might, ingenuity and good old fashioned HARD WORK. We were under the thumb of oppressors once too and you know what we did? We kicked their asses right out of this country and built a nation that is the envy of the world. We have a right to be proud.
2) Let's capture, interrogate and promptly kill terrorist prisoners. Or just promptly kill them. Let's not fool ourselves, ladies and gentleman, if any of these guys took one of us prisoner, they'd have our heads promptly sawed-off on video. Two words for you - Nicholas Berg.
3) Let's admit that sometimes war is the only option. - World peace would be wonderful. It would be incredible to live in a world in which we all respect each other's right to live and worship as we choose. But unfortunately the world isn't a utopia and it never will be. As long as there are evil people in the world who want to kill innocent people and roast them alive in an office building, there has to be good, strong, true heroes who stand up and fight. It's happened time and again throughout history and the world is a better place because of it. Doubt me? War halted slavery, Nazism, Communism, and now it's stopping terrorism. Thank God for the men and women who have stood to fight for us. Our troops have BALLS!
4) This one's for the ladies. Girls, let's let our men be men. In fact, let's encourage them to be men. It's fine to take them salsa dancing once in a while but let's not get carried away. Guys, use a chainsaw every now and then. Spank your kids, don't put them in time out. Have a beer and chicken wings and leave the white wine and brie to the ladies. Change your own oil. Fire a gun.
If you need some help, rent some Tom Selleck or Russell Crowe DVDs or the movie 300. Just please America, reclaim your balls!!!!
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