Ever noticed how Liberals hate inanimate objects?

• Oil - Liberals hate oil. A simple mention of the word evokes nightmares of crude-covered ducks gagging. They wake up in the night drenched with sweat screaming "Exxon Valdez - NOOOOOOOOO!" They hate oil so much, in fact, that they don't mind bankrupting half of America by fighting against drilling. Their hatred for oil makes them blind to news that our off-shore oil rigs have become artificial reefs supporting thriving sea life, even through the ravages of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, during which these oil rigs held up nicely without so much as one dead dolphin.


• Guns - "Guns kill people," Liberals scream. They march. They do commercials with Susan Sarandon. Apparently in California, guns mysteriously load themselves, rise into the air, aim at people and kill them.


• Companies - Oil companies, drug companies, health insurance companies, SUV manufacturers, the list goes on and on. I guess it's easier to hate a company than to hate an actual person. But the funny thing is, companies are made up of people. Oh, and companies make profits and Liberals think that's outrageous. How dare a company make a profit when they should be developing products that benefit humanity and are provided free of charge. It's not like this is a capitalist society or anything.

Susan B. Anthony is pissed off

Before women were granted the vote in 1920, do you suppose that all the suffragettes, dreaming of equal rights, turned to their daughters and said "One day, my little girl, all the women of this country will have the right to vote and they will use that vote to pick the hottest candidate with the most ripped abs." Not exactly the future that Sojourner Truth dreamed of. Yet I hear somewhat intelligent women saying things like this all of the time:


"Obama is so handsome and young!"
"I'm an Obama Mama!"
"I'm voting for Hillary because I want a woman in the White House."


The women voters of my generation are being represented by Obama Girl, whose bra size is a slightly higher number than her IQ.

The women of America are liberated and educated, so why do we spend so much time watching The Hills and so little time paying attention to current affairs. Are rock hard pecs going to find us a solution to the energy crisis? Will having a vagina give the president all the answers in dealing with the War on Terror? Seriously girls, lets use our brains.

Where have all the Tom Sellecks gone?

Huevos...cajones...tea bags. They're called BALLS and my god, WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?!!

Nobody seems to have them anymore. There once was a time when everywhere you looked, someone was swinging a sack around - George S. Patton (BALLS!), John Wayne (BALLS!), Ronald Reagan (BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!). Now every time I turn around I hear about another guy getting a pedicure! This country is turning into a big nation of pansies and I'm damn sick of it. Now, instead of killing our enemies, we give them rights under the constitution and let them read their Korans and grow fat off of Doritos in cells on a beautiful tropical island. Instead of shaking them up for information, we splash some water on their faces and ask nicely while the eunuchs on Capitol Hill run around shouting "Torture! Torture!" in effeminate voices. Instead of starting up some big manly drilling machines on some big manly oil rigs, our men would rather prance around in a meadow wearing daisy chains and dreaming of a future in which we all fly colorful hot air balloons to work.

Lady Liberty might be a gal but she's had some huge balls in the past and I'm sure they're still somewhere under that green robe. How about we polish them off and start putting them to good use?

1) First things first. Let's stop apologizing and being ashamed for being the #1 World Superpower. We earned that distinction through courage and might, ingenuity and good old fashioned HARD WORK. We were under the thumb of oppressors once too and you know what we did? We kicked their asses right out of this country and built a nation that is the envy of the world. We have a right to be proud.

2) Let's capture, interrogate and promptly kill terrorist prisoners. Or just promptly kill them. Let's not fool ourselves, ladies and gentleman, if any of these guys took one of us prisoner, they'd have our heads promptly sawed-off on video. Two words for you - Nicholas Berg.

3) Let's admit that sometimes war is the only option. - World peace would be wonderful. It would be incredible to live in a world in which we all respect each other's right to live and worship as we choose. But unfortunately the world isn't a utopia and it never will be. As long as there are evil people in the world who want to kill innocent people and roast them alive in an office building, there has to be good, strong, true heroes who stand up and fight. It's happened time and again throughout history and the world is a better place because of it. Doubt me? War halted slavery, Nazism, Communism, and now it's stopping terrorism. Thank God for the men and women who have stood to fight for us. Our troops have BALLS!

4) This one's for the ladies. Girls, let's let our men be men. In fact, let's encourage them to be men. It's fine to take them salsa dancing once in a while but let's not get carried away. Guys, use a chainsaw every now and then. Spank your kids, don't put them in time out. Have a beer and chicken wings and leave the white wine and brie to the ladies. Change your own oil. Fire a gun.

If you need some help, rent some Tom Selleck or Russell Crowe DVDs or the movie 300. Just please America, reclaim your balls!!!!

Get Educated America!

Ever hear the adage "Pay attention to history or you'll be doomed to repeat it?" Well, the people of the world need to go back to history class for a big dose of book-learnin'. We're repeating the stupid mistakes of history as we speak. For example, take a look at two of the current campaign promises being tossed out in this 2008 Presidential Race:

• Meeting with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Barack Obama)



• Implementing a Universal Health Care Program (Both Clinton and Obama)

Coffee Talk with Mahmoud

Well, why didn't someone think of this earlier? Apparently, world peace is as simple as buying your enemy a non-fat toffee nut latte. Let's not drop bombs on terrorists, let's just drop bags of 100% Arabica beans and invite ourselves into their spiderholes for a nice heart-to-heart. If only it were as easy as starting up a dialogue with these people. They say Barack lacks experience but, yeesh, even my chihuahua knows that you cant negotiate with crazy people. Ahmadinejad is a mouthpiece for terrorism, plain and simple. He's an evil, evil man and if you aren't sure about that, just google the guy and read about some of the things he says and does. He puts homosexuals to death simply for their orientations. He says the Holocaust never happened. He calls for the complete annihilation of Israel - that's calling for the deaths of 7,282,000 men, women and children. Weapons that he has provided to insurgents are being employed to kill our soldiers in Iraq as I write this. An agreement or promise made by this man is worthless.

History Lesson

British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain tried for 3 years to appease Adolf Hitler. When Hitler broke the Munich Agreement in 1939, Chamberlain realized that the promises of a madman are worth nothing. Meanwhile, about 4 million Jews had already been murdered. It took a couple of years and some serious firepower to stop Hitler, not a couple of
meetings at the local Der Kaffe Haus.

Love Spending Time at the DMV? Try Universal Health Care!

Everyone knows that the government is very efficient and all government employees are quite friendly and happy. Just take a trip to your nearest post office. Why, it's a utopia. It's so clean, there are no lines, the employees are delightful, it's very very efficient and the prices are reasonable. Oh wait. Seriously people -do you want to turn your doctors office into the post office? Or worse, the DMV?


And then there's the whole issue of PAYING for everyone's "free" health care. That cost is monumental. I feel as bad as the next guy about kids that have no insurance but I certainly don't feel that it's my responsibility to pay for it. If you cant afford to insure your kids - don't have any! Not only that, but I suspect that there are quite a few Americans whose uninsured kids eat dinner in front of a 50 inch plasma tv.

History Lesson


Canada is just one of many countries with failing socialized medical programs. People in dire need of treatments and surgeries are waiting MONTHS for care. There are a growing number of instances in which patients are dying waiting for routine surgeries such as appendectomies. Some simple economics here - when the price of a good or service (prescriptions and medical care) drops to zero, the demand increases far beyond the supply. The Canadian health system has become unable to provide medication and services to all those seeking them. Canadians are actually coming to the United States to purchase medications that they cannot receive in Canada.

Oh, and Canada's free health care is turning out to be pretty un-free. A Canadian individual pays approx. $1,100 a year in taxes JUST for the government health care. That does not include other taxes. And note that that total is for an individual, so a family of four pays taxes in excess of $4,500! Just for the "free" health care!


Health care aside, history has taught us that the more power a nation gives to it's government, the less power belongs to the people and the more bloated and corrupt that government becomes. (Absolute power corrupts absolutely - Do the words Paris Hilton come to mind?) And governments aren't prone to just relinquishing control of things and giving them back to the people. Even the government of the greatest nation on earth.